Scared...but Jubilant?

I don't know if it's just my nature to be discontent with the situation at hand, or if it's that I haven't found something that fits yet and inertia takes over. The focus is rarely on the present long enough for me to focus. I'm both elated and really scared and bummed out about having only 4 more days left as an English "teacher" and only a month left in Asia.

I'm having anxiety dreams--mostly involving money. I have fears that I didn't do the whole "living abroad" thing right, just like I didn't do high school and college right. I never pushed for that experience I really wanted, I just settled because it was easy. The fears that the 20lbs I've lost and kept off for a year will come back, that I didn't do enough self-improvement, that I'm not good enough are creeping (read: swarming).

I've been over-eating crap-ish food recently. Not good. When I get to Wonju on Saturday, I'm going to revamp the way I'm living to get back on track. I just feel kind of ill, over-stuffed and unsatisfied. Layers upon layers of redundancy.

I'm running from sleep. Playing solitaire games on the iPhone just like I did when I first got here. Tonight, I distracted myself from prepping lunches for myself by scrubbing off the mysterious grease spatters that didn't come off in any of the previous "OCD moments" I'd had through out the year. They finally yielded. Good. Now there's one less thing for the in-coming person to judge my slovenly housekeeping on. Maybe I'll feel less guilty about not providing awesome linens and kitchen towels, now that something has less of a yellow hue to it.


I'm excited about Thailand, but worried about everything after that. How do I visit all the people I want to see? I can't let myself even glimpse down the spiral of worry about petrol and travel. Slippery slopes versus experiences I've been dreaming up since I was a little kid? Experiences. I'm being selfish, for a bit...well, to a point, I am still considering others over myself. But that could be a selfish habit as well, self-deprivation in the name of not rocking the boat and not taking risks.

I'll feel better after I've gotten everything cleared out, cleaned up and settled in Wonju. Getting settled takes so much time, then uprooting seems to ambush me. Do I spend time nesting or do I purge my belongings and streamline my life? Can I become what I want and travel? Can I become what I want and nestle into a stationary life?

I'm grateful that these are the problems I'm contemplating, they feel big. They are big. But, I know I will never want for anything since I have so many wonderful people in my life.

I need to go to sleep. My adrenals and brain are already going to have a hard time kicking the glorious coffee habit.

Coming soon: Lists of things I will and won't miss about living in South Korea.

Fulfilling experiences to you all!
Sarah