Today is a day that I kick myself for coming to Korea. Many of my friends in Los Angeles are enjoying a concert I never thought would happen--Tim Minchin in L.A. I wrote to Minchin requesting a L.A. show--not to say it was my email alone that convinced him to come to the forsaken place, but it just adds to the impact of hearing that people get to do something I've wanted to do for two years now.
So, I find myself weighing the pros of living a life I find dissatisfying on the day to day basis but which allows me to do amazing things like to go Beijing for five days and Cambodia for ten. I wouldn't be able to have those adventures if it weren't for this experience. I'm just tired of living here, and I'm dealing with a lot of anger.
And trying to decide what to do after this year is over. I'm torn between- going back to L.A., going back to Tucson and continuing to teach but in a place I actually care for. There are jobs in Chile and Moscow that I could get now because of the experience here.
I live a blessed life but I still feel tormented when things don't go the way I want them to.
Also, there's crazy cat lady drama with the rescuer of the foster kitties I've taken in.
I've seen a puppy mill and goats in tiny cages that don't even allow them to move. People are always wearing fur. I can't order a frakking pizza without cheese because the cooks can't figure out how to make it. An older woman in both my Adult Convo Classes is hounding me to practically join her family, and won't take my hints that I don't want to hang out with her. I'm constantly dealing with people who don't understand me but pretend they do so they don't offend me, when all I want is straightforward friggin' communication.
I'm exhausted. I feel tricked and cheated. And angry and crazy.
Enjoy... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mi-ctw22TbI&feature=youtube_gdata_player
ReplyDeleteWho is this?
ReplyDeleteIt stupid, but I cried over this concert.
My darling, my dear...I have soooooooo been there. And although I think you are feeling better now that it is a week later, I want to reiterate, that the anger may take a bit but it will dissipate. And what will be left is a LARGE sense of accomplishment. You are doing some very courageous and exciting things. It won't be everything you hoped for but I bet a lot of great things have happened that you weren't expecting. You still have a few months to make the most of living across the world which probably means you will miss some cool stuff in the US. Luckily you have us to recount it for you. But we are all missing the awesome stuff happening over there; only you can experience that and we are counting on you to tell us about it! :) love and miss you. It really will be over soon.
ReplyDelete*hugs* Thank you, Savannah! I am feeling much better, but still have to wrestle with these things. I've got some cool stuff to look forward to and help me make it at least until the weather warms up.
ReplyDeleteI'm working on blog updates, slowly, that have a more happy and adventuresome tone.
Sarah... my take is that you are going through that painful but very necessary developmental angst that many of us have gone through in our 20s. I went through it in my first few years in Los Angeles, waking up every morning thinking, "what the hell am I still doing here?" Finally a cause (the women's movement and the ERA campaign) and a fellow traveler (Sally Rosloff) presented me with a meaningful path forward for my life. Prior to those revelations it was a very difficult time for me, feeling totally like a fish out of water, but it was important somehow.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I am confident your year in Kora will do good things for you developmentally. When you return you will not be the same person that left the States. That said... do try to acknowledge and face all the issues that come up for you, even if they remain unresolved. I think it will be time and stress well spent!
My 2 cents anyway... for what its worth.
It's not necessarily painful all the time, but I'm definitely being pulled in many directions.
ReplyDeleteIt's more deciding a location so I can get on with life. If it weren't for my relationship with Eric, I wouldn't be in Los Angeles. As amazing as my friends are there, it's just not a city I'm drawn to.
As I have a rough idea of what I want to do, it's more a question of where. And, now that I've found out that CSU isn't accepting many 2nd Bachelors applicants, a question of how in CA I can pursue music. I am still going to try for the UCLA Global Sustainability program, if I end up in L.A. (I'm assuming I will because Eric's still there). And then, because I've tied myself to L.A. how I can get a job in Chile after getting enough time at home.
I might have to throw teaching in Chile away and just travel there for a month or so some time in the future. Get my certificate and start the non-profit.
Since my sister and I are planning on living together after she's 18, I'll need to be in a place that appeals to her as well and be able to commit to being there for at least a couple of years. Which is fine as I really want to have a place I can garden and whatnot in.